Philophobia

The clock in CST Mumbai station showed 8.30 PM, Rahas has been waiting patiently in station for more than two hours now. He looked at his friend, Vaagmi, who was having his 8^th cup of coffee; Rahas was still surprised why Vaagmi decided to accompany him. More than two hours over now, they have been waiting in station to send off Atiya. The thought of her name made his head go light. 

Life was simple for Rahas until college, like any other average Indian men his priorities were simple: Friends, Food, Cricket, and Sleep! But everything changed on the first week of college, his first Physics Lab, he was totally lost, she was tall, had long hair, sharp nose and beautiful deep eyes. He couldn’t take his eyes off her; he was ogling at her across the room! He didn’t notice a cute, elegant figure joining him in the table until the professor started speaking. Even on the first lab the girl next to him had everything ready, neatly wrapped record note, lab note, pencil, pen, scale, eraser, two color pens…! On the other hand Rahas only had a note, unwrapped; the first page of the note already had too many “lost symbols” on it, a pen without cap in pocket. She turned and looked at him with a smile and said “Hey I am Atiya!” Throughout the lab session Rahas kept ogling across the room. When the lab was over, Rahas was about to leave when he heard Atiya’s voice “you should reduce looking across the lab a little or else you will lose the one note you have!” Rahas felt a red hot whiplash on his face, he wanted to hit back on her but he couldn’t find the right thing to say! He looked around no one heard the conversation; he collected his note and rushed out of the lab! That is how Atiya was, simple and straight as an arrow. It turned out Atiya was Rahas’s lab partner on the other labs too. Even though rahas felt a little insulted, he liked atiya’s attitude. He was looking forward for lab sessions, he started liking her company. As every lab partner in college, he also got her mobile number, the lab conversions extended to mobile messages. And over a period of time it became phone calls. Neither of them realized how deep their relation was progressing. Four years of college flew by, rahas was waiting in railway station, and today Atiya was leaving India to purse her academics abroad. Rahas was mixture of emotions, he was happy for her pursing her career but devastated as she was moving away from him.

Vaagmi: “You alright dude?”

Rahas: “I guess so…!”

Vaagmi: “you guess? Listen I am not sure how much she is attached to you or if she is mad about you, but one thing I can see in your face is that you are mad about her so tell her how you feel!”

Rahas: “Are you nuts? Do you have any idea what she might think about me? After all these years of being friends, she will feel that I have cheated!”

Vaagmi: “what if she is waiting for you to say something?”

Rahas: “Let’s put it this way, you know how straight forward she is, she talks to every guy that doesn’t make me special!”

Vaagmi with a sarcastic smile: “and yet she asked you if you can come to station to send her off?”

Rahas: “as a friend…!”

Vaagmi: “then why not her other ‘guy friends’? Why you? ”

Rahas: “may be because she trusts me!”

Vaagmi: “Trust! Nice word to hide the feelings. Then why does she trust you alone?”

Rahas: “I might be one among her close circle of friends!”

Vaagmi: “And number of male member in the circle?”

Rahas: “I don’t know!!”

Vaagmi: “Explain this to me, she updates you even if a lizard went past her a mile away to the most intimate stuff, am I right or wrong?”

Rahas: “she could be updating others also!”

Vaagmi: “At night 2 AM?!”

Rahas: “she considers me as a friend!”

Vaagmi: “Let’s reverse the situation, what if she proposes you? Will you accept?”

Rahas hesitated and answered: “frankly, we guys are so desperate we will accept if any girl proposes!”

Vaagmi: “I am not taking about any girl, I am talking about Atiya, and from your answer I can see that you will accept!”

Rahas: “I told you we are despo’s we will agree if any x,y ,z proposes!”

Vaagmi: “come again why you are not telling her your feelings?”

Rahas took a deep breath: “what if she stops talking to me? I don’t want to lose what I have now!”

Vaagmi rolled his eyes and murmured: “Unbelievable!”  Walked off to get another cup of coffee!

Rahas, took a gulp of water, this was not the first time he was having this conversation. But every time he had this conversation it pushed him to the edge, he had to regain his composure and think straight. Atiya was different from other girls he knew, he remembered the day clearly, he was walking with her to lab and talking about “FM and AM transmission” experiment when Vaagmi came running and signaled for me. Atiya also saw the signal and with all esteem she stopped talking and looked as if she understood. Vaagmi updated the “drunken” situation of their friends and both of them had to leave immediately to “rescue” their friends which meant bunking the lab. Rahas was undecided on how to explain the situation to Atiya, he went up to her but she spoke first: “If you need to go then go”. Rahas looked her face, there was no anger or disgust or frustration, but there was no smile either. Rahas knew he probably had to explain a lot in the evening. But to his surprise Atiya didn’t ask him about why he bunked lab or where he went, but some part of him wouldn’t settle down until he told her about the events. Eventually he did tell her why he bunked the lab and where he went, to his astonishment she was not angry because he was friends with people who boozed, all she said was “until you are not addicted to things it is fine to have fun” the image of Atiya in Rahas’s heart grew very tall. She was not the types who wanted to meet outside or hang out after college. She knew when to give space and privacy, which impressed him. Vaagmi was back with his cup of coffee, Rahas was still deep in thought.

Vaagmi: “I am not sure why you can’t tell her feelings! She won’t ignore you after that as you think!”

Rahas: “Ok I’ll come your way, what do you think I should do, go and propose now?”

Vaagmi: “yes if you feel so…!”

Rahas: “How do I know when I ‘feel so’…?”

Vaagmi: “it is the decision you make!”

Rahas: “how do I know if this love?!”

Vaagmi after a long pause: “Love is when you understand the person really quick and start seeing the world through their eyes!”

Rahas was amazed by his reply, his mobile buzzed, it was her call, and rahas answered it and got up. “She is here, near the platform, are you coming?”

Vaagmi: “No, carry on! Remember don’t make a fool of yourself, be bold and say your feelings, you don’t want to live rest of your life in regret that you missed the chance.”

Rahas: “we will stay in touch…!”

Vaagmi: “Question is how long? How much touch are you with your school mates, you may love them but not the same kind of contact you had before! Remember this Rahas, as time goes if you don’t tell her your feelings she is going to drift out of your life”

Rahas: “No…! We will stay in contact forever like this!”

Vaagmi: “you very well know that is not practically possible!”

Rahas didn’t say anything but started moving towards the platform; the clock showed 9:15 PM, her train was scheduled to leave by 9:30 PM; she is going to visit her relatives and fly abroad from there. Rahas heard so many voices in his mind, there she was waiting for him, even now he was impressed by her elegance, she was not stunning beauty yet she had the grace and charm which would haunt you forever. She smiled and waved at him. Everything around him slowed down, as if someone had pressed the “time slice” button. His eyes were fixed on her, everything else was just blurred. He might have made a very bad decision of coming here to send her off. He smiled at her and said: “All set to go?”

Her eyes sketched his figure and replied with a slow steady nod off her head.

Her parents were already seated inside, Rahas could feel the vibe, she wanted to say many things but she couldn’t. Her eyes became moist “you will stay in touch right?”

Rahas had to inhale deeply to prevent the tears rolling out: “Yes definitely!”

Atiya: “I’ll miss you very badly!”

Her words were like hot iron on his heart but he didn’t want to give up what he already had. Rahas tried clam his thoughts:

Dear Tummy, sorry 4 all the butterflies. Dear Pillow, sorry 4 all the tears. Dear Heart, sorry 4 all the damage. Dear Brain, you were right she is my friend.

Rahas eyes were damp when he replied: “I’ll miss you too…!”

Atiya: “Can you do GRE and come with me for MS?”

Rahas felt as if a lightning bolt had hit him, his heart screamed “Say YES! Say YES!” but his brain controlled is action and rahas replied it with just a nod of his head. Rahas heard the announcement, her train jolted ahead; Atiya had her face pressed against the window watching rahas. Train started gaining speed, rahas was trotting along the train, saying “bye” a million times. The voices in his mind got stronger:

"It's impossible" said Pride… "It’s risky" said Experience…  "It's pointless "said Reason…

"Give it a try" whispered the Heart.

He only saw her hand reaching out of the window, Rahas screamed: “Atiyaaaa…!” At the same moment, gunshots was heard, everything went chaotic in few seconds, people started screaming, people were trying to get out of the station, rahas was trying to catch up to the speeding train, pushing past the mad crowd, he tumbled and hit a pole and fell down, out of nowhere a hand came and pulled him on to the floor. Rahas couldn’t feel his body, his chin had started bleeding cause of the hit, and rahas turned around to see whose hand is holding him down, it was Vaagmi. For few seconds he hoped it would be Atiya…! Vaagmi was screaming to him something “terrorist…. Two of them… guns… open firing…”, but rahas was so lost that he couldn’t make out what his friend was saying to him. Rahas felt his life drain out of his body, every moment of his life with Atiya flashed before his eyes and his head hit the ground unconscious.